WARNING: THIS CONTAINS PITY, FEELING SORRY FOR MYSELF, WHINING, BLAMING, AND GENERAL CRYING AND MAY NOT BE SUITABLE FOR ALL READERS.
I'm not even sure where to begin this or even how to start it, so I will just start from the beginning.
I will start by offering a possibility of what happened on that day to the fact that I took my high blood pressure pill Lisinopril as normal but also added an Allegra D allergy pill (which I only take when I get allergy symptoms and for the past few days prior I had allergy symptoms). Who knows if this caused my problems or not but I'm mentioning it because I have no other answers. I also found out later that people who take Lisinopril are supposed to avoid too much potassium. Without drawing blood there is no way to know if taking endurolytes and Perform and bananas caused me to have too much potassium in my body which can cause weakness (it's doubtful but it happens). Maybe it was just me, but I don't have answers. Bottom line is I couldn't overcome whatever was causing my problems. It's possible that it was just me, and in fact is probable that it was just me.
Did everything same as last year except started the swim right in the middle of the pack. Swam the fastest 2.4 mile swim I ever have. After getting my wetsuit stripped, I stood up too fast and crashed back down and hit my head on some other guys elbow or knee and banged up my elbow and knee.
Got on the bike and after 5 minutes I knew something was very wrong. I was having trouble pedaling. I felt dead, no energy, I was having trouble even going slow. I tried everything I could. I ate, drank, tried numerous gear ratios, and everything I could including stopping and checking my bike. I was barely able to keep a 13 MPH average and I was sweating like crazy and generally didn't feel right. I tried to eat and keep drinking and taking endurolytes and keep moving. At some point I stopped eating because I felt weaker and just didn't feel good. I began leg cramping so bad about mile 75 that when they would start my whole leg would lock up straight out. I had to walk several hills. At this point to say my mental state went into the tank would be an understatement. I was very angry and overall feeling very down. I made the bike cutoff and started running which quickly turned into walking/running which turned into walking. I still felt weak and tired and at the turnaround point I thought I still had a shot to make it but quickly faded and never made the State St cutoff. I was almost the last person on the course at this point.
So I went back and watched Jenny finish with our families. At that point I felt happy and proud for her. At this point the reality still had not set in that I didn't make it. That would happen soon after getting in the car to go back to the hotel.
The last 10 days have been some of the worst I have ever felt emotionally. I said and thought things to myself I never thought I would ever do. It caused me to feel negativity, jealousy, and despise the one person in my life that loves me unconditionally, all because she finished and I didn't. It has driven us farther apart instead of the experience bringing us closer together. Every congrats to Jenny, every picture of her smiling only brings me down so Jenny sacrifices her joy of that day to help me get past it. It is the worst part of this whole thing. And it is just me being selfish. Instead of Ironman being a great experience like it was last year (even though I didn't complete that one either), it has turned into one of the worst experiences of my life. I need to put this in perspective and see the big picture and it's hard. At some point there has to be more to life than Ironman. I try to fight it every day and get my thoughts to go elsewhere and when I'm around Jenny I try my hardest to not be a royal jerk and be the person I was 12 days ago. She deserves so much better than me sometimes. I have thrown away all the things most people save, I haven't looked any any pictures that were taken. ASI takes photos of people around the course and I haven't looked at those either. In general Ironman 2010 didn't exist for me. I feel robbed and cheated and I robbed and cheated myself.
At this point I feel like if Jenny and I do another Ironman I would like to try to stay together the whole time. There are a lot of benefits to that and Jenny brings out the best in me when I am at my worst. I know she couldn't have helped me this time and I would have sent her on her way. The physical weakness I felt was not to be overcome by any mental coaching.
I am contemplating doing another Ironman next year by myself because this empty, incomplete feeling I have is killing me.
In the last 2 IMWI only 10% of the people DNF'd. 90% made it. That leaves me wondering what the hell is wrong with me.
So that's it people. Every day gets easier and I know that every week that goes by will heal me. Jenny and I are leaving to go on vacation in 2 weeks to Hawaii and I haven't even thought about that because I have been so consumed by my failure. There is more to life than Ironman and just because I failed at Ironman doesn't make me failure in life. I put way too much emphasis on the race and let it consume me. I can't even describe some of the feelings I have had.
Thanks to everyone who has tried to help me through this with your words and kindness. The pity party will be ending shortly so consider this last call. Drink up and get the hell out of here. It's time to go find my Mikeness and give my wife back the husband she deserves instead of this guy I am right now.
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7 comments:
My opinion, what you have done to make yourself more healthy over this journey IS THE MOST IMPORTANT and inspiring thing. The only sentence anyone, including yourself, should take from your post is "At some point there has to be more to life than Ironman." There is, and like I said, it is the inspiring tale of your journey from where you were to where you are. I coach softball for a very very good ASA 12 & under team. If you have ever played baseball, you know that after every mistake, missed play etc you HAVE TO go on to the next or you will not get better. Although triathlon is completely different (I have done many 70.3 races) because of the comittment and training to each race, YOU have to learn and go on from this experience, look at the big picture of what you have done and how many I assume you inspire and move on.
I feel the need to point out that the 10%/90% number you point to would be interpreted quite differently by most people - I would guess that pretty much every one of that 10% trained hard and experienced it as very tough not to get an official finish, and that it is an honorable part to find oneself in the 10% DNF rather than the much larger group of those who never get to the starting line.
The dimensions of the hard time I'm having right now are somewhat different than yours, Mike, but I REALLY feel for you - it is very hard to know what to do to get oneself out of this sort of deep pit. However, on the bright side, time passes, it will hurt less, things will get better, and there are definitely some fantastic races in your future!
I don't know, maybe it is just me - but just FREAKEN lining up to start an IronMan is certainly not a failure. I didn't do IronMan this year (even though I had signed up for IMLP - because I burned out on the training) - it made me realize how hard it is to just line up.
So, if you failed then I REALLY failed by not even lining up.
Hopefully you decide to do another - even though finishing is not what it is all about - not being afraid to fail is.
Enjoy Hawaii - I'd trade any of my IronMan experience for that trip!
Mike - great responses here. I wish I had some wise words for you. Nothing is going to really change what you feel except time. I do think though that you need listen to Brazo -- it is WAY better to have failed (even 2x) than to have never tried at all. You'll do it again. You have poured your life into ironman for 2 years - take a break to find the joy in it and come back stronger than ever! You and Jenny are part of my reason for trying Ironman. I'll never know if I can if I don't toe the line....
Mike - I wish I had some wise words for you. I do think the previous responses are perfect. Like Brazo said - it is better to have tried and failed than to never have even lined up. There is nothing wrong with knowing your limits. You did the distance last year. Why finish when you had the opportunity to be there to see Jenny finish? Time is the only thing that is going to help you get past this - but you will. Ironman has consumed your lives for 2 years now. Take some time to relax and find the joy. You'll come back stronger than ever! You and Jenny are part of my inspiration. I'll never know until I tri.... ;)
hey Friend:
You and I have had a couple of conversations about this already, so you probably know what I will tell you:
September 12th was just one of those days, for what ever reason, what we wanted (willed) our bodies to do didn't quite synch up with what our bodies would do. (In my case too, I had some big time mental mad talk going on).
The sun rose; the sun set and, although we didn't get the medal, the shirt or the (rocking) baseball cap, we were there and we participated in a very, very cool event.
We trained hard; we had great seasons; we met some great people; we trained with great people.
Some of our most favorite great people FINISHED and got the stuff. They get to have the glory too.
We can be happy for them and mad at ourselves but our anger and our disppointment shouldn't define us.
Like every one said: Look at how far you've come! Look where this journey has taken you so far! You aren't done yet! This is just a "rest stop" with a really bad view.
Ironman is still there. It is still waiting for us to cross that finish line.
We can do it -- with the help of others -- and with the support of our very own selves.
We'll get there.
Kudos, too, for posting such an honest entry. That takes guts too, you know.
I probably DIDN'T post enough of this feeling on my own blog after DNF at CdA this year. I have such mixed feelings about IM - part of me wants to go back and part of me is missing the fire that I know I need in order to go back and get it done. Either way, I think you are incredible for your honesty. And you are right, there IS more to live after IM. It's just hard to see sometimes when it's clouded with disappointment.
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